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There are always lots of things that adults don’t want to do. Like the dishes, commuting in traffic or paying bills, but we have learned that there are rewards for doing those things and consequences for not doing them.
Kids don’t always see the big picture the way that we do. They really don’t care if their room is clean or if their homework is done, so it is necessary to create incentives sometimes to help them to understand what is important and what you value as a family.
Creating effective incentive plans takes quite a bit of creativity, ingenuity, and a bit of “know how.” Luckily, the “know how” is fairly easy to figure out. Here are the five keys to setting up an incentive plan that really works:
Key #1: Know what kind of child you have
There are two ways that kids want to have incentives. There’s the one who wants rewards to be new and different all the time and those who only like one thing, and it’s easier to just go with that. Granted this can shift and change over time, but by and large most kids will gravitate to one camp or the other.
For example, my son likes only one thing for the most part and that has been “screen time” – videogames, portable game systems or computer time is really all he craves even now. Using a token system didn’t work at all because he only wanted to use it for screen time anyway. So, I simplified both of our lives by using 15 minute chunks of screen time as his “token.” Why make it more complicated than it needed to be?
One of my client’s has a child who wants new and different rewards all the time. What his mom did is to create a prize box. She puts in toys from the local dollar store, coupons for special treats or favors, and even quarters for buying gumballs at the grocery store. She also puts in toys that she had to pick up off the floor for him. In other words, if he didn’t pick up the toys, he would have to earn it back later. This system keeps the reward always changing and evolving and, boy, does he keep his toys picked up now!
Woohoo!
Key #2: Incentive Plans should work like the real world
If you ever have a question in your mind about a particular way you want to set up a plan, just think about how incentives work in the real world.
A client came to me complaining that the incentive program they were using was not working very well. It was a marble token system where when the child “did something good” they got a marble in the nice, clear jar. When they “did something bad” then a marble would be removed from the jar. When the jar was full then they would earn some kind of big prize.
Sound reasonable?
Heck no! What happens if ALL the marbles have been removed from the jar? Can you spell Power Struggle? Ugh! Removing a reward that has been earned is a big mistake.
Think about the real world. Most people work for that favorite token,money. They do a particular job, then get paid for that. If you make a mistake in your work, your boss doesn’t remove money from your paycheck. There is going to be some other type of consequence like you may have to work overtime to clear up the error, but money that you earned is yours to keep–period.
Key #3: Use Time based incentives as often as possible
Some of the best incentives are what I like to call “time-based” incentives–special times with mom or dad or other important people in your child’s life. The beauty of these types of rewards is that they are gone as soon as the reward is “paid.” With a prize based reward there is a satiation that happens. “I got the X toy and there’s nothing else that I want right now.” With time-based rewards, they are fleeting, and so easy to renew. You can start a new behavior chart just as soon as you get back from that trip to Safari Sam’s or that bike ride with Grandma. (More on behavior charts in #5)
Key #4: Use your child’s love language to inspire your incentives
Finding your child’s love language is a really effective way to make incentives that help your child feel loved and valued as well as motivated. Basically the five love languages are as follows:
- Acts of Service – helping someone to do errands or chores
- Quality Time – One on one, undivided attention
- Words of Affirmation – speaking appreciation and acknowledgment
- Physical Touch – Hugging, holding hands, massage
- Receiving Gifts – receiving objects that show caring and knowledge
Start noticing the way your child shows you love and that will help you to know what she values. For example, does she bring you flowers from the yard, offer to make you a snack, freely offer hugs and kisses, or tell you that you are the best mommy or daddy in the world? By using your child’s first or second choice of love language to guide you, you will be able to create a more meaningful as well as motivating incentive.
Key #5: Find fun resources to liven things up a bit
Using a fun behavior chart to track your child’s progress can add a lot to the process. Charts don’t have to be boring sticker charts. You can make a game out of it. Create a coloring page or a word search that she only gets to add to when she does the desired behavior. Try to have fun with it.
Hopefully, you find these ideas about incentive systems helpful. Incentives are just one part of a complete parenting plan, but definitely a fun and motivating part.
Designing an effective Parenting plan will allow you to be able to relax and enjoy your child again.
Now go hug those munchkins, you don’t need an incentive to do that!
Karen DeBolt, MA is a parent coach and family therapist in Hillsboro, oregon. Karen has a master’s degree in counseling psychology and three master teachers–her children. All these ideas have been road tested on her own family so they will work for you too. Sign up for the twice monthly newsletter for more parenting support at http://www.counselingformoms.com and receive my free report: Conquering Bad Behavior Without Stress.
Graffiti Sign Language Alphabet 3n1 Coloring eBook at ColoringKidsBoys.com
